terrbear.org

So a few folks I follow got an urge to write 100-random-things blog posts. More specifically, @stinkle and @vanweezy. While entertaining, thinking about 100 things to write about me would be painful. Instead, I’m offering lucky readers 9 absolute truths.

Questioning these is along the same lines of questioning the sum of 2 and 2, in base 10 (technically the base shouldn’t make a difference, but just to make sure everybody’s talking about the same thing, I thought I’d throw that in.) Without further adieu, here are 9 absolute truths that you can bet your car or kid or 6 houses on. I went with 9 because top 10 lists are everywhere and top 100 lists are (as my wife can testify to) hard.

1. Golf is not a sport; it’s self gratifying stupidity set to the tune of hot-as-hell and 15 year old cart girls offering luke warm beer every 3 holes, or 2 hours, whichever comes first. Don’t get in to golf, it makes no sense. You’d be better off (and would have more bragging rights) getting into the whole Fight Club acid on the hand deal. Chicks dig scars, right?
2. Twitter is the best communication protocol. Ever. It’s succinct, encourages collaboration, and is available through several mediums. There’s no censorship, and there’s built in whitelisting. Also, the downtime boosts productivity by giving everyone “me-time.” My bitching skills have gone up 30 points from the day I found Twitter, btw.
3. Sleeping in the shower improves eyesight, stamina, focus, fertility, and reverses baldness. That’s why I do it at least every other day.
4. I grill better than you.
5. Apple computers last longer, are prettier, are faster, and have better built in vim support than piece of crap Windows machines. Linux doesn’t count as an operating system or a computer type. I can get away with this because (1) Windows users probably had IE crash on them while trying to respond to this post, and (2) Linux users are too impatient to get over their ghetto browser and use something that can skirt CAPTCHAs (I know, I don’t have CAPTCHAs, but it’s hyperbole).
6. HDDVD has significantly better quality than old school DVDs, and I’m glad I have a collection.
7. To make everyone leave your house with minimal effort, put ramen noodles in a bowl sans water and microwave for 3 minutes.
8. Buffalo wings improve eyesight, stamina, focus, fertility, and reverse baldness. I used to eat them every Tuesday, but soon I’m going to eat them every night when Buffalo Wild Wings opens up in Cedar Park. Also, BONUS SUB-TRUTH: BWW is better than Plucker’s.
9. Boston sports fans are good people except during baseball, football, and basketball seasons; during those times they turn into self-righteous indignant douches who need persistent and outright head slapping by SEC badasses named Manning.