Reaching for the paddle…
Our son, Nate, is 16 months old. He’s adorable, hilarious, walking, running, loud, and incredibly energetic. He also has started doing things that we don’t want him to. Like hitting a glass table with a spoon (which scares both the cats and his parents) and hitting people.
He’s started to understand that when I say, “if you do that again, I’m going to take it away,” that it means something. The other day when he hit the table after I told him not to and I stood up, he ran across the house whining, because he knew I was going to take his spoons. I don’t care about having the power in the relationship, but I thought it was great that he realized his actions could have consequences, and there were some consequences that he didn’t like.
Unfortunately, I can’t tell him I’m going to take his hand away if he slaps me in the face. Believe it or not, I’m against amputation (except that one time, with his foreskin, which I’m still not sure I made the right decision). So we’re trying to figure out the best way to handle the situation, and are pretty confused.
Before anyone suggests it, and I doubt many who read this blog would, we’re not spanking. It’s not an option for us. I don’t want to send a message that, when you’re in total control of someone, you can do whatever you want with them, and that’s the message I think spanking sends.
So we’ve started reading around the internets, and still haven’t found a great answer. Do we redirect his attention? Do we just ignore it? Do we put him in timeout? Do we ship him to Russia where the kids behave better?
Lots of parents on these sites will offer their own children as evidence, but I don’t want anecdotes. I’d like actual evidence saying, “kids subjected to this disciplinary measure improved behavior and didn’t grow up to be terrorists.” Unfortunately, I haven’t found any of those yet.
Further, all of the so-called “experts” on child rearing seem fake. They’ll tell me about the inner psyche of a toddler, and I can’t help but equate them to animal talkers or astrologists. Nate can say 10 words. How, exactly, are you going to tell me what he’s thinking? I question anyone who says “your baby is thinking this,” because it seems they’re right about as often as they are wrong. Which isn’t helpful.
We’re not even sure how to administer timeout. I don’t want to hold him in place, so the options would be either just standing in front of him (apparently with our backs turned) and not letting him escape, or putting him in a pack and play.
Anyways, this is part of the problem with not believing everything you read, and questioning things other parents have done. It makes you indecisive. If anyone has any great suggestions for how to deal with a kid who is great 95% of the time, and 1% of the time provides no easy recourse for his behavior, I’d love to hear them.
meezy said:
Oct 16, 08 at 2:14 pmIt seems to me spanking or forcing someone to submit to a timeout both send the message of “we are in total control and can do what we want”. Whether “what we want” is hitting their bottom, or making them stand in a corner, or refusing them privileges, etc.
I think the only difference is spanking also sends the message “oh, and sometimes what we want is to inflict physical pain to enforce a message” whereas timeout says “oh, and sometimes what we want it to inflict mental/emotional pain to enforce a message”
I’m not trying to convince you for or against spanking, because I don’t have a child and I’m not even sure if I would be for or against spanking. I just think all punishment sends the message that we are in control and do what we want, not what you want.
Tangentially, I have several times wondered about the foreskin decision as well. If I had a son part of me is for it, part of me is like “that’s dumb”. How did you decide?
terry said:
Oct 16, 08 at 2:38 pmWell, the thing is, we are in total control and can do what we want at this point. Nate’s not old enough to feed himself or even clean up his own poop, and he’s tiny enough that we can really just put him wherever we want.
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Given that we are in control of him, it’s important (for us) to realize that we’re not making him do right or wrong at this time. We’re teaching him acceptable behaviors (which are incredibly subjective; I’m sure deaf parents don’t care if he bangs a spoon on a glass table).
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I don’t really want to think of it as punishment, since I usually think of that as vindictive and enjoyable for the issuer. I don’t want to have to do things to change his behavior, but if he’s going to live with us for the next 16.5 years, then he’s going to have to make some changes.
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So essentially, I’m trying to find the best way to adjust his behavior without having to resort to, say, violence, or scaring him, etc.
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Nate’s circumcised, but I don’t think the next baby will be. There’s marginal evidence that it can prevent some health issues, but I don’t think that it strongly justifies surgery on an infant that is already hard to deal with. If it’s a boy, when he’s older, if he wants to get circumcised, I’ll pay for it; I just don’t want to make the decision for him.
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Nate was circumcised because I just figured it was the thing to do. Like, I’d been told that it’s cleaner and healthier and whatnot. Current medical evidence does not support this, and APA doesn’t recommend it (though they don’t recommend against it). Sorry about that Nate.
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Also, apparently circumcision makes sex slightly less enjoyable. Not that I have anything to compare it to.
Jimmy Bogard said:
Oct 16, 08 at 2:46 pmI think you’re looking for child behavioral psychology. Obviously there are ethical considerations for performing behavioral experiments on such small children, which is why you might not find as much as you like.
But things like, “why do 6 year olds never understand sarcasm” are in that area.
Or just do whatever Cesar Milan does. What works on dogs has to work on toddlers. SSSSSST!
terry said:
Oct 16, 08 at 8:21 pmif it works on cartman, it will work on your kid.
Jan Heath said:
Oct 20, 08 at 4:47 amYou might try redirecting him to something safer to bang on - and then make a big deal about it when he chooses the new “drum”. Maybe go to goodwill and get him his own table to bang on. You weren’t in to banging on things until your sister turned 2 and started embarassing you.