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Lamenting the Lack of Science in Parenting
Posted on July 30th, 2009 4 commentsI assume most people who read this know me, and know I write software. I really like thinking in terms of code, because it’s unambiguous, and there’s an answer to almost every problem.
Parenting? Not so much.
Most people don’t realize that things that they see babies do, well, they had to be taught to do that. Eat from a bottle? Have to teach them that. Suck on a pacifier? Have to teach them that. Stop sucking on a pacifier? Have to teach them that.
Sleep through the night? Yep, taught. Go to sleep without crying? Taught. Doesn’t hit you in the face (most of the time)? Taught.
The problems come up when it’s time to teach those things. Take, for example, sleeping. There are several different ways to teach a kid to go to sleep. You can abstain, and just feed them until they’re big enough that they sleep through the night (our niece was lucky enough to get this, I’m pretty sure she went to 18 months until the parents changed methods out of necessity). You can go in at increasing timed intervals – The Ferber Method (Nate) – to comfort the child. You can sit in the room and try to comfort from the corner. You can ignore them by turning off the monitor – the Extinguish Method (Evie, after a failed Ferber attempt).
I imagine a lot of kidless people will say that the right thing to do is to wake up with them until they’re ready to sleep through the night. Good for you, and let me know how that works out when you’re going on your 6th month (or 180th consecutive night) of bad sleep.
Of course, whatever choice you make, you worry. If you get up with the kid forever, are they going to have attachment issues? If you turn off the monitor, are they going to have separation issues? Will this affect their growth? Will they turn to drugs at 14 and run away, never to be seen again until they’re 22, wanting drug money and another fix, if you give in and give them ice cream before the last bite of chicken?
(Also, random aside, I never entertain plausible tragedies for my kids. I only think of outlandish ones, convince myself that they’ll happen, and then act accordingly. I won’t drive with my trunk open with kids in the car for this reason, because I know a ladder will fly off the top of a truck and slam the back seat and squish my kids in horrendous ways.)
Discipline approaches cause me similar anxiety. We’ve decided that we will put Nate in time out for anything that we consider to be dangerous or extremely antisocial. For everything else, we raise our voice and talk sternly. Touch a knife, go to time out. Hit, go to time out. Throw something that isn’t a ball, go to time out. But are we over-using timeout? Is spanking really as bad as I think it is? Is yelling effective? Am I damaging Nate’s ears? His ego? His appreciation of acceptable conversational volume?
This lack of science has some parents turning to garbage for advice, and you know what sucks? I have no evidence that they’re doing anything wrong. The number of studies that actually link different child rearing tactics with long term efficacy and child success? Tiny & apocryphal. Instead, for example, parents will do “parenting studies,” and it’s based on, say, the Bible, interpreted through the author’s perspective of how it should be applied. (tl;dr: get the belt).
And, what I think is worse, is that because there isn’t good science for lots of problems that all of us run into, parents will ignore the science when it’s available. Jenny McCarthy has got parents thinking that they know better than doctors, the FDA, the CDC, and the WHO. Those vaccines have toxins! They’re evil! Don’t give them to your kids, they’ll cause autism!
Even though they won’t, and study after study has shown no link between the two.
So, in short, I think I misplaced my kid instruction manual, and if any of you out there have a spare one because you’re on your 18th kid or whatever, we could really use one.
4 responses to “Lamenting the Lack of Science in Parenting”
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Terry,
With code, you are in control, you understand the boundaries and find ways to work within those boundaries. While I am sure there are boundaries to the human brain, consciousness, and behavioral patterns, I doubt they are any that could be identified in any study of any magnitude with our current technology. My point is that you could place two humans in the same environment for the same period of life and produce two completely different outcomes. There have been studies done on twins that suggest most of you comes from you, not your surroundings, and probably just as many studies stating the opposite.
I personally believe there is no right or wrong way (outside of the obvious like physical or mental abuse). The only option parents have is to continually evaluate the cause and effect in real time and adjust as necessary.
There is a great podcast in the Stanford edu collection on iTunes where the CEO of Invidia describes how to survive in markets where things are changing at moore’s law rates. He says to constantly innovate and reinvent your products and strategies, if you don’t cannibalize your products, someone else will. Children change at a rate much faster than moore’s law, but the same principles can apply.
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Read Freakonomics. It doesn’t really matter. Even if you technically abuse your kids a little, how they turn out will be a combination of things you can’t really change: genes, parents’ personalities (you can’t change who you are in a meaningful way, even if you over/under parent), and peer group.
As long as you care about your kids, it wont matter if they have organic baby food, don’t watch TV, get into the right school, etc. They’re another person, they make their own decisions, even at a very young age.
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Susan July 31st, 2009 at 22:20
My youngest is now 13. Still having arguments about going to sleep. (I blame WoW.)
I will tell you in all these years, I never disciplined my children “with force.” One thing that always worked well, (and I still exploit) is threatening to take something away from them they cherish. For example, a new toy they are nutz for. It has to be something with a serious attachment. They get that fairly quickly, and it’s an effective deterrent. But, you have to follow through consistently.
Hope that helps.
(Two daughters 29 & 18 and a son, 13) -
You are very much like your father – hard science only because there is comfort in the boundaries. I suggest that you start with growth and development. There are no equations but there are some guidelines that let you know if things are going wrong. The most impotant thing is to talk to your children and don’t put up barriers. Don’t make any subject off limits and don’t be afraid to tell your kids you are uncomfortable about talking about a subject. If you are over using time out maybe it is time to try something else. You don’t remember, but you were almost 2 before you slept in your own room because you were a stubborn little brat.
Don’t worry so much and just love and enjoy them – that’s what they are here for (and the mother’s curse)
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Mark July 30th, 2009 at 04:44